i don't even hug my own friends, why would i hug billy boyd?  why would anyone want to invade someone's space like that.  and if a fan thinks that they are gonna break the barrier and meet a schmuck like billy boyd on a "personal level" ARE THEY RETARDED. they must be. i mean, i would like to meet a guy LIKE billy. i mean i don't know billy but he's hot and has a good face and a nice piece of a** and he seems nice but he could be a psycho-freak for all i know.  he doesn't seem it, but who really knows what an actor is like? not me. ceartainly not you.  i'd like to keep it all in the imaginary.  if you keep a guy like brad pitt, or billy boyd, or rivers cuomo in the mind then he'll never get on your nerves.  he'll always be this perfect person, and if you think that's an accident, then you are sadly mistaken.  actors keep their insides to themself because, that's all they have.  to be an actor, when it comes to publicity, is much like being in a cage that everyone looks into and gawks at.  nobody gives you a moment's peace when you're under those conditions.  i'm sure that actors drown in their work and immerse themselves in the watery fluidity of work...you can't hear much underwater.  that's what being a "star" is.  yes, you get respect, yes you get food and a nice place to live (much like a fish in a fishbowl) but when it comes down to it, it's the work that you are immersed in.  if i were to be an actress, i'd be terrified if someone wanted to give me a hug, if someone were to be shaking just because i'm talking to them or crying when i wave at them.  gosh! what a nightmare!  but a horribly, unmistakably, caught naked at school, nightmare!  i feel sorry for billy boyd. i want his body but i feel bad for wanting that because thousands of girls want the same thing because that is all he is to them, that's all he really can be.  the question is...where do actors find mates?...hmmm....

what is it with white guys and korean girls? I HATE KOREAN GIRLS! THEY MAKE ME VOMIT! i'm not racist, koreans in general are fine. i mean it's just skin. IT'S JUST SKIN PEOPLE! are koreans really that much more pretty than white girls. in that case, i'll never be married to a white man. i'll end up being married to a korean one cause all of the korean girls will be used up.  the korean guys will have to settle for white-trash girls, cause apparently that's what i am. i'm white trash! all girls who aren't korean, be they: black, white, purple, or blue...to normal, good looking guys...they're all white trash! GOSH!!!!!!! there's just nothing special about me. all things suck. it all just sucks.

it's true. for the most part. right now my life sucks. i mean it really dosn't but right now it sucks. have you ever liked a guy and you just can't get your mind off of him. i mean if you haven't then you must be retarded. or a straight guy. but i'm like butt crazy in like with this guy named Dane. he's fantastic and cute and funny and he has blue eyes. and he's not hott which is what i like about him the most. and he probably doesn't like me. at all. anymore. or ever. i think he likesd me onece but i am pretty sure that now he doesn't cause he just doesn't act the same, ya know?  but he's going on his mission and through that time i'll probably be hitched and with child by the time he gets back. but i do intend on writing him on his mission. we can't talk all "romantical" and stuff but i intend on becoming close with him in more meaningfull ways. like i intend on getting to know him as a person and a priesthood holder. and that's corny. all mormon girls say things like that all the time although they never follow through with it. random thought: i watched oklahoma. it was good. it had Hugh Jackman in it. WHO KNEW? he's hot. he looks nothing like Dane.

steven sucks steven sucks steven carroll sucks. steven phillips carroll sucks!!!!!! man he sucks. he sucks he sucks he sucks he sucks he sucks!!!!! grrrr. if i could cuss i would. he sucks  he really really sucks! he is an egotistical maniac with too much brains for him to handle. he says he prefers korean woman over english woman! he's such a jerk. he says this to me like every time. i ask why and he says cause they are cuter. plain and simple. i'm not worth his time. he thinks everything he does is cool. he thinks he's hot and unstoppable. he thinks that he's gonna get some gorgeous girl to marry him but he won't becauase they'll take one look at his cockeyness and decide that their time is through with him. he's cocky. oh did i mention that steven carroll really sucks. i told him that i liked him like a year and a half ago and he still won't talk to me. he thinks i'm akward and ugly and dumb and doesn't like my jokes all of a sudden when he used to think i was hot and hilarious. he really really sucks. he likes airheads with low iqs and he thinks that everything that he likes is whatr everyone should like. he won't quit untill you agree that he's better then you. he never stopps smiling at me even though he knows that he hates me and i hate his guts. he really really sucks. he needs to spend some time in the chokey like in matilda and i wish that snakes would devour his innards while he's on his mission. i hope he gets sent to somewhere really hot and horrible and he hates it there and hates the people and has to come home early so that nobody will want him cause he didn't return with honor cause he couldn't take the heat (litterally) steven carrol suck he sucks he sucks he sucks he bites! oh my gossshhh! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR! HE'S SOOOOOOO COCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BARF! GAG! CHOKE! THROW UP ON HIS FACE! the next time he asks me to dance at a quad stake dance (which he won't) but if he does ever get up the nerve to i'll turn him down because he's a lame excuse for a human being and i hope his hair falls out and his zits turn into boils and his teeth turn crooked and yellow and decay and i hope that his eyeballs fall out the next time he sneezes.

seems i am right. i went to the county fair the other day and we went to see lonestar together (me and taylor) and he's a fun companion to watch a concert with but i just kept feeling like "oh my gosh i want to kiss his face!" but i didn't do anything of the sort cause the dead truth is, if i did that everything between us would change and there's too much good between us as friends. it just wasn't the time ya know? so i wait. i'm 17 and still haven't been kissed. how common is that?

it's been a while since i've written. i think i crossed the line but i'm not fretting about it. probably only due to the midol that i'm practically high on today. love that stuff *sigh* and taylor's gone which is good. i need a break from him even though i want to be around him more. sometimes the more you need someone the more you need to stay away from them.

i got to talk about taylor. and it's funny that he's the only person i think about these days when the other month i was so not into him. i just soooo wanted him to leave me alone for good and found him annoying. i guess now that he's cooled off and i've heated up, we match temperatures. it's pretty good. things are excitingly good. except the fact that he'll be buisy like all week this upcoming week :( it's funny that if he knew that i talked about him like this he'd be like freaked out probably or flattered. it's hard to tell where the line is with him but i think i'm drawing near it soon.

i went to a movie yester day with taylor and michelle and michael newy. and i sat next to taylor and could not stop thinking about holding his hand. it was there and exposed to mine on the armrest. i was like "errrr...i can't cause it'll ruin everything our friendship has built up to be." so i didn't. was that totally irrational? we've known eachother for a year now. it still seems like i need to get to know him further ya know?